from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
