Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
