bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
