my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
