even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize