Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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