Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
