i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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