i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
