Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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