I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
