Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
