I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
