I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize