when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
