dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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