Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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