How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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