I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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