Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
