just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
