New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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