So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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