Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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