I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
