her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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