I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
