Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
