If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
