She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
