I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
