mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I cockslap morals
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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