I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
