At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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