You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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