whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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