you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
