I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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