I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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