this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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