so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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