Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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