you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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