I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
