he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
