So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
