i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
