His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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