and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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