Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
