I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
