its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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