you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
