woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
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You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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