so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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